BARK BARK GUCCI ALERT!

I apologize.

Small dogs are not useless. I have been saying that small dogs serve no purpose. I was wrong.

I am sorry to all small dog owners.

This holiday season I have had the fortunate chance to have a one of these micro-canines within my personal space bubble.
First off I need to explain my concept of the bubble. Everyone has one. It’s the space in which we feel comfortable. The distance between you and the annoyance or threat. The distance you need in order to execute a painless escape if the situation warrants.
My bubble , depending on the circumstance, changes size. People that are too good looking tend to expand the bubble to about 20 feet. Dogs will expand the bubble to about 30 feet. People from New Jersey cause my bubble to expand to about 3000 miles. You get the idea.

So I was in WHOLE FOODS gathering nuts and berries to take back to store inside the tree. WHOLE FOODS is rather overwhelming. Too many things to choose from and way too many skinny folk that force me to expand my bubble to about 19.5 feet. That means the isles, pretty much, have to be clear of these skinny folk for me to enjoy shopping. It’s a good thing. I tend to rush in and rush out. My bubble is causing me to loose weight and therefore reduce my skinny bubble to a manageable size.

Whole Foods has this sad section.
This is the section you see lonely people at. The section that would have been really busy on Christmas had the store been open.
The section I shop in.
The SINGLE SERVING prepackaged meals. Love Lorne Lasagna, Aging Queen Quesadilla, Miss Havashim’s Corn Chowder. I was reaching for a Quesadilla when I was bumped out of the way by a 115 pound “chick” with a tiny shaking dog swaddled and tucked deep under her arm. She was reaching for some jumbo meals on wheels-type pre-packaged lonely food that I can picture she would feed to her lil' freak pup.
I wanted to jump back because my bubble was secretly invaded by this creature that by all accounts should not exist. Tiny, short haired, weepy bug eyed, shitty bung holed lil pest. And that dog she was holding... What purpose do these thing serve in the grand universal scheme? Are there Mayan pyramids guarded by packs of these rat sized dogs with the matchstick legs? Perhaps there are tiny pyramids hidden in the jungle? They could be very small and easy to overlook.

They cant live in the wild because they seem to be shivering in 70 degree weather. The can barely walk. They cant outrun predators. What are these damn things good for?

They are class detectors.

The detect the non Fendi bagged offenders. They sniff out people that are suitable for their owners to talk to. The smell net worth and report back to their owners thru a series of body twitches. Like a bee returning to the hive and dancing the directions to the pollen for the other hive-dwellers. These little dog-like things dance vibrate signals to the host to let them know a 10 figure income is near.
It didn’t signal her owner that I was near and therefore I did not exist. She bumped me out of the way to get her dog food. The same food I would soon be eating.