My peeps

PEEPS!

The marshmallow creatures from another world have long delighted millions with their sandpaper skins and chewy insides, but for the Christmas enthusiast, they're now available in a wide array of "holiday varieties" -- at least four different kinds, plus whichever others ones I couldn't locate. The types of holiday Peeps may number in the dozens, by my local stores know when to call it quits. When you're eating four different kinds of Peeps, you're eating enough.


First up, here's a revamped version of the original yellow birdies -- same shape and same inwardly curled beak, but now they're a bright shade of Christmas Red. More interesting than the candies themselves is the little chick drawing on the package; a bird complete with Santa cap and undersized candy cane. Apparently, the original yellow Peeps have been around for 50 years. That's a whole lotta Peep-eatin. Let's assume that 20 million people have eaten two Peeps a year for the past five decades. This equates to a staggering 2,000,000,000 Peeps consumed. The number also provides chilling visions of what a congregation of two billion Peeps would actually look like. I'm picturing the world's biggest lemon. Or our second sun. Peepsy.

The red Peeps don't look as natural as their yellow cousins, obviously. If red baby chicks exist -- and believe me, I really hope they do -- I've never seen 'em. As things stand now, they look more like what'd plop out of constipated ape's ass. It's all in the spirit of Christmas.



Here's the second holiday variety -- "Peeps Snowmen." While cute enough, the red targets on their chests seem to mark them as "in season." So, don't feel bad about killing and eating them. They're in season.


Up next, it's the Peeps "Christmas Trees." These green masses of marshmallow sludge come fully decorated with a series of colorful dots and a tree topping star that looks a lot like the preamble to a massive bout of Easy Cheese squirtation. Come on, you know what I'm saying.

Of course, the three varieties mentioned above all taste exactly alike. Try as we might to find new flavors in the colors, it's just wishful thinking. A Peep is a Peep is a Peep, and unless specifically advertised as something new and terrific, they all taste like globs of sand-covered Fluff. Fortunately, our fourth and final holiday Peeps variety creates a new page in the Peeps' Book of Flavors. What you've seen above were merely appetizers for this unbridled display of Christmas tastiness...


"Marshmallow Peeps Cutouts."
Depending on your point of view, they're either supposed to represent gingerbread men or the more standard and vague "Christmas cookies." Either way, they're friggin' awesome. Sold in a different type of packaging than most Peeps, they're also a whole lot bigger, puffier, and susceptible to becoming stale. They cost more, too, but who wouldn't spare an extra fifty cents for a Peep creature that tastes like "holiday cookies?"


Indeed, that's what they taste like. Pretty disgustingly good stuff, to be honest. It's also the only kind of Peep I've ever seen with a colored marshmallow middle -- they're light tan on the outside, and a bit darker on the inside. This tiny distinction makes Peeps Cutouts somehow seem ten trillion times less desirable than all of other varieties. Granted, they're way more posable than the chicks and snowmen, too.


At one time, Peeps only seemed to crawl from their reclusive hideaways during the Easter season. While the original chicks are available year round these days, you can only buy the marshmallow crap pictured above during December. Maybe you'll get lucky and find a few on clearance in January, but come on...who wants to eat a Christmas Tree Peep after Christmas? It's like shoving Craisins up a turkey's ass for Labor Day.


By the way, all of these new "holiday" Peeps perform the same great trick as the originals when placed in a microwave. DEY EXPLODE. Merry Christmas.